Ask Smarty Pants



Ask Smarty Pants
By Hildebrand McClure

Our daughter Mathilda Harkness recently announced over a late dinner with her Father and me that she has become a collegiate ‘Thespian’ while attending Louisiana State University in Baton Rouge, which, to our utter shock, had been confirmed as one of the foremost pedantic schools in the state.

Mathilda proudly announced to our horror over mid-morning brunch that ‘thespians’ are ‘inducted’ and thus earn higher points precipitated by their ‘participation in thespian activities’! To add insult to injury, a few of the entries for induction into ‘thespianism’ are group events, duet musicals (we could have guessed) and short films. Her Father, Anston, III, is appalled at this last prospect with the advent of YouTube, as you can well imagine!

Her Godparents eldest son, Atherton Rothwell Pemberton, III, is her age and has a very promising career as a Petroleum Extraction Engineer with an extremely profitable Corporation (rated 5-Stars according to the Wall Street Firm, Goldman Sachs). Granted, he may not be the most pleasing to look at (he has a minute case of severe acne and a few protruding front teeth), but will be a good provider.

Now that our dreams have been totally squashed, due to this ‘thespian’ occurrence (please let it be just a phase), we need your expertise in directing us to an area Physician who is the ‘best of the best’ in the realm of psychological evaluations and psychiatric care in the treatment of ‘thespianism’.

We cannot and Will Not have a practicing ‘thespian’ in the family. Her Father, Anston, III, now fully regrets having ever allowed the child to participate in softball activities at St. Vincent’s Academy.

Signed,
Anonymous in South Highlands

Dear Anonymous:

Not only will ‘Thespianism’ lead Mathilda towards being a societal outcast, further exposure will undoubtedly direct her to a love of fishing tournaments, intramural sports, large canines as companions, and possibly a compulsion for motorcycles, depending upon on the degree of her ‘thespian’ persuasion.

‘Thespianism’ has been exhaustedly researched at Cucurova University in Izmir, Turkey and preliminary laboratory tests have conclusively proven this to be a biological disorder as a direct result of the impregnated Mother participating in degenerate sporting events such as slow-pitch softball.

As far as treatment for Mathilda is concerned, the recommended western standardized regimen for a conclusive cure is Bible verses; this current, cutting-edge technology was recently discovered in 2006, when a patient in Ankara arrived for a bronchial checkup and the defective biologic epidemic strain of ‘thespianism’ emerged from the Hematocrit and Mean Corpuscular Volume Metabolic Blood Panel.

It is imperative that you follow the procedure exactly as prescribed by Turkish Nobel Award Winner Dr. Ekber Ekrem Serhan. This involves using a technique known as Lacanian Imparative Psychoanalytic Psychodynamic Psychotherapy induced weekly; this form of psychiatry, based on the de Manian deconstruction method, can take decades; you and Anston, III must have hope.

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~ by Voltima on May 28, 2010.

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