• Dear Smarty Pants •

Dear Smarty Pants:

My husband Remus cousin Cletus Granfield wanted us to come up to Alexandria for the family reunion. So we went. When Remus got into the big city of Alexandria we drove through a yellow light like we always do here in Cotton Valley. We all of a sudden saw this big flash of light as we drove under the red light. Remus was wondering what in the world happened since he had just replaced the starter on the 72 Ford Wrecker truck that we go everywhere in. So he turned around and drove back and went through the same yellow light again. The same dog gone thing happened as big as day a white flash popped again as we drove through the red light.

Anyways, we got home a few days later, we have got two official letters from the city of Alexandria about our whereabouts that day and that particular red light. Remus was an asphalt sprayer in the Army and he says he knows a left-handed conspiracy by the government when he sees one. Remus says we ain’t sending the folks nothing until we find out what is going on first. The whole thing is just fishy.

Me and Remus are gonna need some help figuring this one out.


Olla Bea Swain
Cotton Valley

Dear Olla Bea:

The fact that you and Remus drove through a yellow light in a large city and exited the light as it turned red indicates only one thing could have possibly happened the very second you two drove through.

What actually happened was this: upon approaching the yellow light, Remus slightly accelerated the wrecker and drove through the light at a higher rate of speed. This caused an acceleration of time to occur in which disambiguation thorosis enveloped and took the wrecker over. During this period in which you do not remember anything (except for the light being red), you were both transported up into the Ketel One Citroen Cosmos by a variant method known as ‘time continuance acceleration & rectoral assimilation’ which basically means that the two of you and the wrecker were transported to a mother ship waiting in the wings.

After undergoing a DNA polymerase chain reaction analysis, you were then chipped under your left forearms with an established alien forensic DNA profiling technique commonly known as ‘hypervariability abduction milieu’. You were then transported back into the road and through the red light. This explains why the light was yellow as you approached it and then turned red as you were driving through it. The vectoral assimilation theory states that as physical objects progress at a faster rate, the actual continuance of time is virtually slowed down. As you both then unknowingly traveled through the red light, the ‘pop and flash’ that you witnessed was actually Remus’ DPT tuner chip in his Van Turbo BCP Stage II transmission.

So, as far as Remus believing this to be a hoax by Big Brother in an attempt to collect personal information, I will tell you both to only look at the facts that I have presented here [Freedom of Information Act; Section 23:451:0065] and understand that there is usually a simple explanation for daily occurrences. We do not have to resort to conspiracy theories.


~ by Voltima on April 28, 2010.

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