•Ask Smarty Pants•

Dear Smarty Pants:

When I turn the right knob on my bathtub, only cold water comes out. I have no hot water at all regardless of how high I turn the knob. Please help!


Bob Martin
Bossier City

Dear Bob:

The first thing you need to do is this: turn off the water and take the faucet completely apart and see if there is any trash in the faucet. For this, you will need a 32X Pulsar Magnification lens with an anti-shock rubber handle, available on special order from Hauser, Inc. Additionally, look back into the faucet fixture in the wall and see if there is anything slowing down the flow of water from there. At that time, get a turkey baster syringe and fill it with Barts homeopathic 32% sterile hydrogen peroxide solution. Shoot the hydrogen peroxide into the wall portion where the faucet rests and determine if you see any white bubbles. If you do, you will immediately know that you have detected the hermeticus verbritaen fungus that has taken over your hot water pressure control release valve.

You will then have to exterminate the fungus BEFORE replacing the faucet back onto the fitting. In order to do this you must determine whether or not it is: A) living and breathing or B) simply breeding.

To do this you will simply spray WD40 into a 36mm screen soaked in Bertolli extra virgin olive oil processed in Yulosini, Italy into the faucet opening. Should anything fly out at you, they were only breeding. If you see the white bubbles moving slowing in a semi-circular fashion then they are indeed living. If the latter is the case, you should kill them with D-Con Indoor/Outdoor Resilient Flying Wasp spray and proceed to replace the faucet.

After replacing the faucet and successfully exterminating the invading predators, you will then be able to turn the left hot water knob on and have hot water.

Have a question for Smarty Pants?

email: Smarty Pants


~ by Voltima on March 26, 2010.

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